July 5, 2013


Dear Megan,
I really need your help! I don't know where to begin so I will start from the beginning. One of my best friends has a boyfriend. In the beginning, she was happy and I was happy for her. That's all I wanted. I heard a rumor that she had sex and I was absolutely shocked. I went up to her and she told me everything. She said it was true. As her friend I didn't judge her, but I was just shocked. In middle school, she explained that she would save herself for marriage and then this guy comes along and that is thrown out the window. I continued to be there for her and talk to her. We were best friends. Then I started to notice something. They began to fight at school and it got really bad. He would yell at her and they would be cursing. It was the scariest thing to see my friend go through.

Then Winter Formal came, and my friend began crying at the dance. I had never seen her so sad before. I went up to her boyfriend and told him he better get his act together because that is not the way to treat a person, let alone your girlfriend. Then he started crying, and has hated me ever since. Several times at school when they would get in fights, I would go up to my friend to make sure she was okay and he would start to say the rudest things that would make me so upset.  Every time I was there for her, she would run back to him. They always get in fights. It honestly broke my heart. . . Then one day I get a text from my friend and it said, "Don't ever talk to me again." I didn't learn until later that she didn't even send the message, but her boyfriend did. He blocked me from her Instagram and Facebook. He wants no part of me in her life. 

I miss her so much, and how can I just forget about someone, especially my best friend. I'm the only one who stood up for my friend and now I'm the enemy in this situation. I am sure of myself and know what I stand for and what my values are. I just don't think she knows yet and he is telling her that how she is acting isn't attractive and that she needs to change. My friend doesn't laugh any more and hardly smiles. I haven't heard her laugh all year. I don't know what to do in this situation at this point... He is a bad influence on her. Tell me what you think of the situation! 

Hurt & Confused

~Dear Hurt & Confused,

I am sorry you are going through this tough situation. It makes me very sad to hear about your friend. Her boyfriend does not sound good for her at all. Having a boyfriend is exciting, but having a bad boyfriend can be horrible. A good boyfriend should bring out the best in you, and care about what you care about, including your friends! A sign of an unhealthy relationship is constant drama and fighting. Obviously no relationship is perfect, and there will be disagreements, but cursing each other out is never okay. You were definitely in the right to say something and to stand up for your friend. From what you are telling me, it sounds like her boyfriend wants to have control of her. You are a huge threat to her boyfriend because in his mind, you are getting in the way of his control. Unfortunately, since the two of them have had sex, it complicates things even more. 

There is a reason why our Church teaches to wait till marriage for sex. I am going to get a little scientific here, so bear with me :) This is what the media isn't telling you about sex. Being intimate with someone in any way promotes attachment and trust. Sex is the ultimate bond two people can share, and when they engage in it, a chemical know as oxytocin is released in their brain. This chemical affects woman 80 percent more than men. This chemical release makes you feel even more attached and trusting of this person. It causes you to turn caution off. Obviously, if this takes place between a husband and wife, this chemical is a very good thing. It bonds them together even stronger and deepens their trust. However, if two people have sex outside of marriage, this chemical is still released and your friend is feeling very attached and trusting towards her boyfriend. She has turned her caution off without even realizing it. I am sure she believes she loves him, even though it sounds like his actions are not loving at all. Oxytocin makes red lights turn green. I remember seeing a number of girls at my high school dating jerks, but they stayed with them because they felt so attached/"in love" with them. 

What is hard with the your friend's situation is that you cannot help someone, who does not want help. Even though you love her, and have her best interest at hand, she is so blinded by her boyfriend. I would recommend trying to talk to her again and telling her your concerns about their relationship. If you have already tried that, all you can really do is pray. I would pray that she realizes that her boyfriend is bad news. I can tell you right now that the probability of their relationship lasting is slim. I am sorry you have gotten hurt during this. I hope your friend will one day realize and appreciate what you tried to do for her. I would recommend telling her you are ALWAYS there for her, but you cannot be close friends with her while she is in the relationship. You must protect yourself as well.  I will be praying for her too. Anyways, hang in there! I am proud of you for doing what was right, even when it was hard. 

No comments:

Post a Comment