DEAR MEGAN

Dear Megan,

I really need your help! I don't know where to begin so I will start from the beginning. One of my best friends has a boyfriend. In the beginning, she was happy and I was happy for her. That's all I wanted. I heard a rumor that she had sex and I was absolutely shocked. I went up to her and she told me everything. She said it was true. As her friend I didn't judge her, but I was just shocked. In middle school, she explained that she would save herself for marriage and then this guy comes along and that is thrown out the window. I continued to be there for her and talk to her. We were best friends. Then I started to notice something. They began to fight at school and it got really bad. He would yell at her and they would be cursing. It was the scariest thing to see my friend go through.

Then Winter Formal came, and my friend began crying at the dance. I had never seen her so sad before. I went up to her boyfriend and told him he better get his act together because that is not the way to treat a person, let alone your girlfriend. Then he started crying, and has hated me ever since. Several times at school when they would get in fights, I would go up to my friend to make sure she was okay and he would start to say the rudest things that would make me so upset.  Every time I was there for her, she would run back to him. They always get in fights. It honestly broke my heart. . . Then one day I get a text from my friend and it said, "Don't ever talk to me again." I didn't learn until later that she didn't even send the message, but her boyfriend did. He blocked me from her Instagram and Facebook. He wants no part of me in her life. 

I miss her so much, and how can I just forget about someone, especially my best friend. I'm the only one who stood up for my friend and now I'm the enemy in this situation. I am sure of myself and know what I stand for and what my values are. I just don't think she knows yet and he is telling her that how she is acting isn't attractive and that she needs to change. My friend doesn't laugh any more and hardly smiles. I haven't heard her laugh all year. I don't know what to do in this situation at this point... He is a bad influence on her. Tell me what you think of the situation! 

Sincerely,

Hurt & Confused

~Dear Hurt & Confused,

I am sorry you are going through this tough situation. It makes me very sad to hear about your friend. Her boyfriend does not sound good for her at all. Having a boyfriend is exciting, but having a bad boyfriend can be horrible. A good boyfriend should bring out the best in you, and care about what you care about, including your friends! A sign of an unhealthy relationship is constant drama and fighting. Obviously no relationship is perfect, and there will be disagreements, but cursing each other out is never okay. You were definitely in the right to say something and to stand up for your friend. From what you are telling me, it sounds like her boyfriend wants to have control of her. You are a huge threat to her boyfriend because in his mind, you are getting in the way of his control. Unfortunately, since the two of them have had sex, it complicates things even more. 

There is a reason why our Church teaches to wait till marriage for sex. I am going to get a little scientific here, so bear with me :) This is what the media isn't telling you about sex. Being intimate with someone in any way promotes attachment and trust. Sex is the ultimate bond two people can share, and when they engage in it, a chemical know as oxytocin is released in their brain. This chemical affects woman 80 percent more than men. This chemical release makes you feel even more attached and trusting of this person. It causes you to turn caution off. Obviously, if this takes place between a husband and wife, this chemical is a very good thing. It bonds them together even stronger and deepens their trust. However, if two people have sex outside of marriage, this chemical is still released and your friend is feeling very attached and trusting towards her boyfriend. She has turned her caution off without even realizing it. I am sure she believes she loves him, even though it sounds like his actions are not loving at all. Oxytocin makes red lights turn green. I remember seeing a number of girls at my high school dating jerks, but they stayed with them because they felt so attached/"in love" with them. 

What is hard with the your friend's situation is that you cannot help someone, who does not want help. Even though you love her, and have her best interest at hand, she is so blinded by her boyfriend. I would recommend trying to talk to her again and telling her your concerns about their relationship. If you have already tried that, all you can really do is pray. I would pray that she realizes that her boyfriend is bad news. I can tell you right now that the probability of their relationship lasting is slim. I am sorry you have gotten hurt during this. I hope your friend will one day realize and appreciate what you tried to do for her. I would recommend telling her you are ALWAYS there for her, but you cannot be close friends with her while she is in the relationship. You must protect yourself as well.  I will be praying for her too. Anyways, hang in there! I am proud of you for doing what was right, even when it was hard. 

DEAR MEGAN...

{DISCLAIMER}: A lovely woman wrote me seeking some advice. I asked her permission to share her question with all of you, and leave her anonymous. She gladly complied. I hope that any other women who struggle with this same kind of insecurity will know that they are not alone. If you also have a question, please feel free to email me at megan.purityofheart@gmail.com. 

Hey Megan,

I have been struggling with my self image for years. I can't help but feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. I feel like no one will be able to handle my personality. I feel like, if I am called to marriage, he's going to wake up one day and think, "I did NOT sign up for this" and leave me. I just don't think that anyone will ever actually want to be with me forever. I am focusing on improving my relationship with God, but I still feel like I'm going to be alone forever. Even when I'm not focusing on dating or finding someone, it's still in the back of my mind. I know I'm not desperate or I would have already thrown myself at someone, but I still have lots of doubts about me.  

Sincerely,

Lonely and Insecure

~Dear Lonely and Insecure,

First and foremost, please know that you are not alone. 

I think most women struggle in some way of thinking that they are either "too much" or "not enough." We have internal battles thinking we are not pretty enough, not smart enough, or we are too needy or too sensitive. These thoughts transfer over and affect our self-worth and relationships. 

When I was single and waiting for the person God created for me, there were many moments when I would be sad, frustrated, or angry. I often wondered that if I were "better" or "different" than I would of found love. It is easy in those broken moments to believe the lies that due to our shortcomings, we are left unsought. 

According the book, "Captivating" (which I highly recommend reading) women's number one fear is abandonment or being alone. I truly believe the Devil plays on women with this fear. God would never place these feeling on your heart. Take a look at Psalms: "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." –Psalms 139: 13-14

You are fearfully and wonderfully made! You are definitely on the right track by focusing on your relationship with God. Continue to seek him and give him permission to write your love story, become fully satisfied with His love first. Then when you least expect it, and in His perfect timing, He will bring a man into your life who will love every part of you. 

I am not perfect, my husband is not perfect, but we are perfect for each other. We love each other completely and unconditionally despite our shortcomings. You and your future husband will be perfect for one another. HE WILL LOVE ALL OF YOU! If he doesn't, he is not the one. 

 I cannot express how thankful I am that I waited, that I didn't settle, and that I didn't believe the lies that I wasn't enough or too much. I will never forget when someone told me, "Find your delight in the LORD who will give you your heart's desire."-Psalms 37:4 If you heart's desire is to get married one day, God will honor the desires of your heart. Know that! Focus on that! And whenever you start to doubt and feel those fears of being alone or being "too much" coming back REMEMBER how CHRIST views you: "You are beautiful in every way, my friend, there is no flaw in you!"- Song of Songs 4:7

Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I will be praying for you!